That One Time I Couldn't Lose My Virginity

To date myself, this was taken on a flip phone.

Once upon a time, I was 24 and ready to give up my virginity. I had narrowed it down to 2 candidates: the poet, Saul Williams; Third Eye Blind lead singer, Stephan Jenkins. I don’t find either of them particularly good-looking (the photo below is the only photo of Saul Williams I like), but man do they both have a way with words! Anyway, I figured the Saul thing was pretty far-fetched because when would I ever see him? Stephan seemed more do-able (pun intended) since I had already been to several concerts and was planning more, and the whole rock star thing made me feel like he’d be more open to it - you know, since I’m sure it’s a regular thing, or whatever.

My big shot was handed to me on a silver platter, when with the release of their then-newest album, Ursa Major, people in the fan club could purchase a gift bundle that included meet-and-greet passes at their next concert. You better believe I was refreshing my computer screen every second at midnight the night the passes went up for sale, and definitely snagged them. The deal came with two passes, and I was on a mission to find someone to go with me. Most of my friends are dumb, and do not understand the lyrical genius of Third Eye Blind, so I was having a hard time finding someone to take the other pass. The closest concert to me that year was going to be in Columbia, Missouri, which was a 2 hour drive from KC, so that made it even more difficult. I also didn’t want just anyone to go with me, I really wanted someone who would truly appreciate the experience, so I turned to the fan club. Being a member of 3EB’s fan club is definitely one of the nerdier things I’ve done in life, but it sparked joy in my heart. For some reason at the release of Ursa Major - I think because it had been so freaking long since they had released new music - the fan club blew up, and it was this huge crazy thing that we were all totally obsessed with. I ended up chatting with a guy on there, Justin, who also lived in KC. I explained my dilemma to him, and he said he would totally go with me. I was pumped, but told him I had to meet him first, just to make sure he wasn’t a creeper before crossing state lines with him. He ended up being a super sweet cutie pie, and we confirmed our plans to go together, but I still snuck a picture of his license plate for my mom, just in case.

I can’t remember all the details exactly, but the day of the concert was a giant shit show, and I ended up having some car problems, had to work late, and a bunch of other things, so Justin and I ended up leaving much later than we anticipated. This left me feeling frazzled, and I was trying hard to make pleasant conversation with Justin, but also form the speech in my head that I would give to Stephan to get him to sleep with me. I also realized mid-trip that I had forgotten my glow sticks and was super bummed. You see, during a specific song, members of the fan club were to break out glow sticks and wave them around like crazy so Stephan could see who the truly devoted fans were. It was a whole big thing, and now I wouldn’t get to be a part of it. Oh well, I was still going to freaking talk to him, and hopefully more.

We pulled into Columbia and had a bit of time to eat before the concert, so we set off in search of food. We weren’t even 2 blocks from the car when we passed a head shop that was completely empty save two people: the cashier, and Stephan Jenkins. I grabbed Justin’s armed and squeaked, “Oh my God! It’s him! That’s Stephan!” Before I could realize what he was doing, Justin grabbed the door handle, and said, “Well let’s go say hi!" They both turned immediately as we walked in, and Justin said something to Stephan about how pumped he was for the concert, or I don’t really even know because I’m pretty sure I blacked out for a minute. All of a sudden I realized they were all staring at me, so grinning like an idiot, I hopped forward, leaned towards Stephan and declared, “I’M GOING TO MEET YOU TONIGHT!” Stephan just stared at me and said, “Oh. Cool.” and went back to staring at pipes. Justin ushered me out the door and told me I embarrassed him. I embarrassed him! I embarrassed myself, dude. I was mortified. I told him we needed alcohol ASAP.

We found a sandwich place across from the concert venue and went in to order some food. After placing my order, I asked what alcohol they had. The owner just shook his head at me and explained that they didn’t serve alcohol at all. Crestfallen, I poured my miserable, embarrassing tale of meeting the love of my life to this non-bartender, and how desperate I was for alcohol. He must have also been embarrassed for me because he reached under the bar and set down a bottle of vodka, “Ok. You obviously need this.” What a savior!

The non-bartender also told us that had we been just a little earlier, we would have met the rest of the band because they were in there eating before the show, and then pointed to their freshly inked signatures on the wall behind us. I couldn’t believe my rotten luck that night. I kept swigging the vodka. Within half an hour I was feeling much better, and basically telling my entire life story to non-bartender. I somehow even mentioned my woes at not having a glow stick to visually declare my undying love for the band. Once again, the non-bartender reached under the bar, and this time pulled out a glow stick! “Like this? My grandkids left this here after Halloween, you can have it if you want.” I couldn’t believe it, my luck was turning around!

By the time the concert started I was already very buzzed, and by the end of the concert, the anticipation of offering myself to Stephan had become too much, so I was flat out drunk. The meet-and-greet ended up being a huge disappointment of being rushed through photos with the guys, and I was too tired to really care anymore, so I just told Stephan something about how I thought his lyrics were sexy, and he barely acknowledged me. There would be no cherry popping that night.

All these memories came rushing back to me when just a few months ago I randomly found out a girl I worked with at the Foundry in KC was dating Third Eye Blind’s bassist for years. What a cruel, cruel mistress fate is.